There is a frequent trend that occurs in our townhouse. Every single month I get this ridiculous worry of what if I'm pregnant even though we are well I suppose cautious...I guess you could say. Every single day I seem to flip flop on my wants/desires. One day I'm ready to join my other friends and have a baby. I have these fantasies (haha) of being content as a stay at home mom where I can be happy and have my husband come home every day to a clean house and a nice, healthy meal on the table. Baking desserts that he can take to work with him. I know in all reality it probably won't be like that but I can dream right? I mean for goodness sake plenty of people have babies heck I know some people who are my age and there child is 7 years old.
Then I start to flipflop. Recently, I've just started to get into shape and I'm starting to feel better about myself and my body again. I start to think I should wait a month or two or maybe a couple of months. I'm only 26- I know I have time. I also kind of feel guilty because my sister is a year older than me and isn't even engaged to her boyfriend yet. I'd feel kind of guilty for be younger, married, and a mother. I know I shouldn't think like that though. The other thing is my husband. I know he will make a great dad but can I even guarantee that he would be around for the birth or for the first couple of months? What if he is on a short term deployment? It's a little vain but I worry about being fat. What if I don't lose the weight after? I'm scared of the symptoms, I hate being nauseous...I don't know it's a lot to think about.
But here is the thing I want to break a cycle in my family. The cycle of older parents/grandparents. My mom had me at 38. She also passed away at 63 due to a brain tumor. My grandma is 96. I just want to have my children at a young age and to be able to still be youngish when they are in college, to be a grandparent and enjoy my grandchildren...I just want the old age cycle to stop.
I also wonder if I want a baby because it seems like everyone else is having one. I hope it isn't because of that. I mean my husband and I would be able to support a child financially and I think we are mature enough- I know that I'll be stay at home mom possibly for the rest of my life. Will I be ok with not having an income of my own? Will I regret it/ resent it? I don't know...
We are moving in a couple of months to a rental house (that we do not have yet) and I feel like September would be a good time to start trying...but am I ready?
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